Latest Hilariousness

Over the holidays I was introduced to "Flight of the Conchords". I guess it's on HBO, but since I don't get HBO here on the island....I have to use YouTube or buy the DVD - which my younger brother happened to give Matt for Christmas - Thanks Ty!

My Video Bar has a favorite selection... Enjoy!

More Proof of Inbreeding...

This post was written in 2005 and happened to me while living in Portales, New Mexico.



Recently I was in need of a washer repairman...I didn't know that washers lasted only a year, but that is another story...
I called the recommended repairman given to me by the 1-800 number proudly listed on my washer (a red flag that I wish we'd seen before purchasing). I was told that no one would be coming out to P-Town (name of city has been changed to protect the innocent -me...and partly due to threats from the natives...) until the following week. Reluctantly, I made the appointment for 11am, and began counting the days down. Finally the day arrived...and so did 11am...then passed without a knock on my door. Worried that I was confused about the day or time, I called the repair shop. I was told that my repairman was in P-Town, but they had no way of getting a hold of him because he didn't have a cell phone or a pager, so I would just have to wait for him to call me...(yet ANOTHER red flag - why wouldn't an ON CALL repairman NOT carry either?!) Figuring I was just a cell phone snob...I patiently waited. Promptly at 3:32pm he arrived in total red-neck fashion. He was sporting some old raggedy overalls with 17 pens and pencils hanging from the front pockets, a thread bare, stained used-to-be-white t-shirt, camouflage hunting boots, and carrying the ever powerful clip board. Nothing in his attire really bothered me....it was the fact that he was exactly 105 years old.

He walked into my house with a small nod...apparently this was sign language to ask where the laundry room was. I showed him the way and proceeded to tell him that the problem was with the "normal cycle". Immediately he cranked the dial to the "delicate" cycle, filled the tank and started the machine. Then with a cocked head/you're an idiot look he said, "wail ma'am, seems to me that evrythins workin' faan here." I reassured him that things were NOT fine, and turned the dial to the normal cycle. "Huh...I reckon that shold't be doin' that..." came his reply. In the middle of all of this he started to talk about being a "shooter", and thinking that he meant a "problem shooter" I inquired more of his experience. "Wail, I reckon Maytag won't let me keep my license to keep fixin' these if I carry mah guns in the van with me..." As I sat speechless, he continued ranting about our right to bare arms and defend ourselves and praising the NRA and Charlton Heston. Finally, I said the only thing that I could think of "yeah...I loved him in The Ten Commandments". Apparently, he preferred the original Moses, because he shot me another harsh look.

After what seemed like an eternity, he started taking apart the machine, barking orders at me like "hold this, no not like that...like this, and don't drop that, and hold that flashlight still!", but at this point I was shaking so bad that the last request could not be followed. The problem was the same thing that it had been the previous 2 repairs, so he quickly replaced the part and began putting everything back in its place. Then he stopped, swore and picked up a skinny metal clip-like object off of the floor. "hmmm...wonder where this thing goes," as he tried to pry in onto my newly replaced motor. At first I didn't know what to say, and was really scared to say anything at all. But finally I said "uh, sir...that fell off of one of your pens from your pocket."
He laughed, and I gave him a cocked head/sorry your parents were related look.
My washer still does not work on the "normal" cycle...but what does in this town?

Crazy Theater Guy...

This post was originally written in 2006 - and happened in Portales, New Mexico
One guaranteed place to encounter the unusual behavior of locals is at the movie theater. Matt and I have on occasion attempted to have a "normal" date night, and it rarely turns out that way...
One particular evening we were sitting in an empty theater (aside from one couple sitting two rows in front of us) watching a not so entertaining movie when a man enters the theater from our left, walks up the aisle...turns down the aisle where the other couple was sitting, excuses himself (in an attempt to NOT BE RUDE) then makes his way to the other end of the row, then continues down the stairs and out the door to our right.
For what purpose did this man need to do this? I thought at first that maybe he was in the wrong theater, but then wouldn't a NORMAL person just walk down a row that was actually EMPTY instead of choosing one of only 2 rows that were occupied???!!! At least Matt and I got a good laugh out of it...the people in front of us must have been locals too - they didn't seem to notice anything out of the ordinary.

Erroneous Zones and Other Places One Must Not Visit...

The following was written in 2005 while living in Portales, New Mexico in 2005...
Living in a small town is not a new experience for me, in fact grew up in a small town, so there is no way I will ever verbally belittle the cutesy "small town". There of course is a difference between a cutesy small town and the one that I have lived in for the past 2 years 8 months 2 days...

There is really no way to ignore the over powering smell of cow mixed with slaughter house with a dash of fermentation factory sauteed with rotten peanuts...I don't really know how to explain it other than it is the kind of smell that you can SEE. Have you actually ever been scared to breathe?

There are other reasons to be scared. I was fortunate enough to spend some time doing my civic duty and being in a jury pool for 3 months. During this 3 months I met MANY interesting people. One lady in particular was reading a book entitled "Finding Your Erogenous Zones". She was a lady in her (approximate here) mid 60's. I got a good little chuckle out of it when I saw her reading. The following week one of the lawyers was questioning the jury during a selection process, and was asking us about the different books we like to read... His purpose was to find someone reading a good mystery novel. So, everyone in the courtroom was asked to tell the name of the book that they were currently reading. When it came time for this lady to share, I admit, I was a little nervous and embarrassed for her. It was her turn to answer and out came "Well sir, I'm reading a book called Finding Your Erroneous Zones..." I almost swallowed my gum. I thought that would be the end of it until the confused lawyer asked "well, what kind of a book is that?" and she replied "It's a self-help book."

Another wonderful day I was dragging myself up the cold marble stairs to spend yet another day sitting in judgement on my fellow man. I couldn't help but notice a woman who obviously mistook me for someone who didn't value personal space. As we (my Siamese twin and I) entered the completely empty courthouse, I figured that she could take one side of the room and I could take the other...fat chance. She proceeded to sit so close that I could not fit my hand between us on the bench. She talked to me like we were long lost once conjoined twins. Other jury members started to file in, and I tried in vain to divert my attention to others. This went on for a good 20 minutes, until the judge entered and said "if there are any people in here other than jury members, please leave.." At this, my long lost twin stood up and said, "well, I guess I better go then..." and left. She never showed up for jury duty again and my one hope that she was indeed the person who was on trial for impersonating a leech was crushed.

Of course, our first experience in this hell hole should have been a giant red flag... Matt and I were at the grocery store, which is something that we now do LATE at night as to not disturb the natives. We were about ready to check out, and pulling our cart up to one of about 6 lanes that were open and empty...when this silver streak came flying out of nowhere. The streak was a 70ish woman and her cart who out of my pure shock was able to wedge her cart between mine and the check out counter, looked at me and Matt (both of whose jaws were dropped and fists clenched ready to drop the old bag) and appropriately said "BEAT YOU!" All I could do was say, "yes.....you sure did." And I walked to the next lane over where a cashier was waiting, this time looking both ways for oncoming traffic.

Messing with Texas...

I have always attracted crazy people in my life. If you are in my life at the present, please don't take offense... It's just a fact that where ever I go, crazies will find me. I started writing a blog a couple of years back because I needed a way to share/vent about all the strange encounters I've had. Some of them I have a hard time believing that they actually happened to me.

For the first few posts I am going to visit my days in Clovis, New Mexico and surrounding areas to highlight some of my most favorite experiences with the before mentioned craziness. Let me begin by saying... IF YOU ARE FROM TEXAS, HAVE RELATIVES IN TEXAS, OR PROUDLY DISPLAY THE TEXAS A&M FLAG ON YOUR FRONT DOORSTEP....I'm sorry. Most of these "crazies" are your people. I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST TEXANS. I have many Texan friends, and I make fun of them to their faces as well as behind their backs. I have big hair, and I support other believers in big hair...maybe that's why the "crazies" are attracted to me.